A common mantra thrown about by parents, myself included, is to “pick your battles” with your children.
But I am tired of fighting. And tired of mostly losing to a three and two year old.
I don’t want my relationship with my children to be a fight someone has to win. I don’t want to put them to bed and only then can I take off the armour I’ve wearing all day. I want my parenting to be about nurturing and loving and facilitating and giving as many opportunities to my children as possible. And I can’t do that when I’m waking up every morning and prepping myself like a solider about to charge into battle with an enemy. It’s fight after fight after fight, and ultimately me ending up feeling rail-roaded by two pre-schoolers. And I didn’t know how to fix this.
So instead of trying to fix the constant battling, I made a decision.
I’ve tried to change my headspace. I’ve tried to forego the term ‘battle’ and changed to simply allowing my children to have choices they can make for themselves. Little choices, but choices which allow them autonomy over their day.
I don’t argue anymore if they want to wear their Batman and Robin costumes to the park. I just allow them the choice of what to wear. What’s the big deal if they wear them instead of shorts? I no longer try to coerce them into walking nicely by my side on the way into dancing. I just allow them the choice to move how they want. Who cares if they prance and skip along the completely pedestrianized path in front of me? I don’t care if they take the sticks they’ve collected from the garden to bed with them, as long as they go to bed on time. What’s it matter? It doesn’t really, does it? Not in the grand scheme of things.
I’m not ‘giving in’ or ‘being lazy’ by doing this. I’m not ‘turning a blind eye’ or ‘letting them get away with murder’. The important stuff, the keeping them safe and out of danger parts of our day, are still decided by me – but with their input. By simply giving them choice and allowing them control over minuscule parts of their day, parts which aren’t big deals to me but to them feel like the world, it gives them ownership over their decisions and makes them feel independent. And that independence leads to them being far more receptive over other matters during the day, matters which would’ve usually been met with a meltdown or at best a tantrum.
There are certain aspects to our day which are non-negotiable. They must brush their teeth; oral hygiene is important, I’m not having kids with manky teeth! But they get to choose what song I sing while they’re brushing, and they get to brush (I use the term ‘brush’ lightly) first before I give their teeth a proper once-over myself.
They have to wear their helmet on their bikes and scooter; I’m not having them beat their heads open like watermelons on a pavement just because they threw a hissy-fit over having their helmet on. But they have a choice and they get to choose – either wear the helmet or don’t go on your bikes and scooters. Simples.
They have to hold my hand to cross the road; end of chat, no question about it. But they can choose which hand to hold and they can choose to walk holding my hand or be carried across the road. Up to them.
The change in my own feelings and our family dynamics when I actively adopt this approach and give clear choices to them is massive. Our day is much more pleasant, I don’t shout (as much) as I did before, I don’t feel like I’m failing as a mum or that my children are permanently disobedient creatures for ignoring my pleas. I’m not begging, coercing, bribing or threatening anywhere near as much. It just feels better, like I’m not having to fight them all day long. I don’t manage it every day, some days I feel like I’ve been recruited for some undercover MI5 mission and am in some kind of relentless training programme, but I am trying. I am trying to stop the battle.
I’m not a warrior, they aren’t my opponents. We are a team. I want to be able to stand alongside my children, not face up against them ready for battle.
Sleep Decoration 